Jesus '08
Jesus/Santorum - Jesus/Frist - Jesus/J. Bush, does it really matter anyway?
OK, so now we've started looking for the perfect Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates for 2008. Well, the Democrats do have Hillary Clinton, maybe. If not, then perhaps Joe Biden? * Gulp*
What about the Republicans? We should really start calling them what they actually are, anyway. The Inquisicans. They are looking for a perfect candidate for '08 and yet they keep coming up a little short. Bill Frist looked good for a while but then he decided to support Stem Cell research. Well, that just won't do. Jeb Bush showed some promise at first but then he didn't order the Florida State Police to shoot any hospice worker or judge who showed an aversion to keeping the lifeless alive. Plus, he's a Catholic and you know how they are!
True believers like Santorum, DeLay or Brownback may look good now but DeLay may well be in prison by '08 and neither Santorum nor Brownback look really impressive enough in the long white robe, long hair and beard. So I say how about it? Let's just go all the way this time and encourage the GOP to nominate the guy they really want after all. Why not? *Jesus '08*. Heck, you don't even need a Vice-President, after all, even if the big guy should happen to kick off he doesn't tend to stay dead very long anyway, right? Just imagine if we didn't need Dick Cheney, for example? Well, it's really the other guy who's actually unnecessary, I know, but.....just think, President Jesus.
For nearly forty years a cult movement has been gripping this country in it's vice. Like any other movement, it started slowly, at first, and was roundly ridiculed. Remember those bumper stickers which read, "The Moral Majority is Neither". I do. You don't see them too much anymore. They've been replaced by stickers like this gem I saw the other day, "A real Catholic cannot be Pro-Abortion". It was affixed securely to the back of a big ugly SUV, right above a Bush/Cheney '04 sticker. Yes, they've even begun recruiting Catholics based on abortion and gay rights issues. As if it's just fine for American Catholics to support a war that Pope John Paul II publicly called immoral and unnecessary. Where was that bumper sticker I wonder? They've seduced many Jews as well. How? By using their hatred of terrorists, of course. Because, you know, Democrats love the terrorists. Oh, the times they are a changin', indeed.
Persistently, "born-again" Christian activists have been taking up positions in the GOP. At the federal, state and local levels, these activists have spent many years learning how to organize, finance and coordinate political campaigns. Staffers regularly jump back and forth between state anti-abortion organizations and their local Republican party chapters. As the number of born agains in America has swelled into the millions they too have become the majority of "foot soldier" volunteers working on Republican campaigns.
Their churches often literally become campaign headquarters. It can now safely be said that no candidate for President with an (R) after their name can win nomination from the party without their complete support. If one ever should somehow, they would be resoundingly defeated by their Democratic opponent, as Christian conservatives stayed home. Anyone remember George H. W. Bush or Bob Dole?
Four decades ago these people entered a party which was mainly interested in conservative, pro-business policies, lower taxes and smaller government. They've injected a new aspect which now completely dominates the party, as their numbers grow from within it, "moral conservatism" is it's current public label.
Moral conservatism to the "moral" conservative means two parent households only (male and female that is), Christian law, a complete lack of tolerance for any deviation from "normal" behaviour and a healthy respect for human life (at least up until birth, apparently). How conservative Christian leaders and Republican politicians have managed to mingle traditional conservatism with Christian conservatism and hold the party together for so long has been a modern marvel and perhaps the eigth man-made wonder of the world. The marriage of these two entirely opposite principles may not exactly be a gay marriage but it sure as hell ain't a straight one either.
Two words have helped greatly in this political miracle, one is Socialism, the other, Communism. You see, now that the Cold War is over, liberals had to become the new enemy. I know, I know, terrorists too but let's stick to one issue right now. Besides, terrorists are an actual enemy. Not an imagined one, like liberals, who, as we've already recognized, are also with the terrorists anyway. If you've ever wondered why all these neocon talking heads have taken to calling libs or dems "communists" over the last ten years, now you know. Because it works really well. It keeps traditional conservatives all whipped up and it gives Christian conservatives nightmares about Godlessness. The fact that we have recently seen so many elected Republicans calling Democrats "Godless" is simply a panicked reaction to their dwindling poll numbers. It's a preview for 2006. Believe me, the 2006 House and Senate races will be all about God, Jesus and the bible, at least on the Republican side. They have absolutely nothing else left to run on.
So why not simply run Jesus as a candidate? I understand that he's not physically available right now, you know, right hand of the father and all that, but these radical conservative christian zealots believe that he's coming back very soon. Why not by the Summer of '08? It's worth a shot, no?
I have some bad news for every Republican I've met here in New Jersey (as in, civilization) who has told me, with great certainty (and some arrogance), that their 2008 Presidential nominee will be either:
That "moderate" Senator from Arizona, you know him South Carolina, who is certifiably insane, went over to the enemy after 6 years in prison camp, has a drug addict wife and an illegitimate black child.
or
The Governor of Massachussetts (they hated the Senator, you know) whose religion is considered blaspemy by the zealots.
or
The Governor of New York who is Pro-Choice on abortion.
or
The former Mayor of New York City who is ethnically Italian, Catholic, also Pro-Choice on abortion and had his mistress share his wife's bed while she was out of town.
I think not, rational Repubs (the few, the proud). No, instead, your party's nominee will likely be someone from below the old mason-dixon line, who looks like Jimmy Swaggart and sounds a lot like Cooter from the old "Dukes of Hazzard" TV series. Am I the only one that's sick to death of listening to Presidents drawl at me? (yes, even him too)
Wouldn't Jesus be a better pick? Come on, let's imagine for a minute:
**** WARNING **** Any humor remaining in this column may require actual familiarity with the Bible's New Testament **** (this will leave out most conservatives)
It's January 20, 2009. President Jesus stands at the Inaugural podium. He's just been sworn in by the US Supreme Court's new Chief Justice, Randall Terry. In November he defeated Hillary Clinton by the greatest landslide in American history. In fact, Clinton received only a single vote nationwide, her own. Yep, even Bill voted for the other guy. How could you vote against Jesus? What, an effective negative ad campaign did him in? I don't think so.
Christ looks down as the new First Lady, Mary Magdalene ( YES platonically, relax!), stoops to annoint his feet with tears. Near him is the new Ambassador to the United Nations, Paul (you know, Saul). He has John Bolton in a rather nasty headlock. Next to Paul (Saul) is the new Secretary of Defense, a lone white dove, flapping it's wings as it begins to ascend skyward.
Jesus approaches the microphone as the crowd hushes in anticipation, "All that I ask of you, America," the saviour begins, "Is that you follow the example I left you by my apostles, my teaching and my love." As the Lord further explains what this means, the conservatives seated right up front begin looking around in confusion. They realize, with great shock and horror, that God's only son is telling them to sell all of their wordly possessions and give their wealth to Simon Peter, Secretary of Re-Distribution, a new cabinet level post created by Jesus, who will apportion it to all the desperately needy of the world.
Now the conservatives begin to recognize the predicament of John Bolton. "Why would Paul treat one of the true faithful in such a way," they ask? At this, the earth begins to open and fire shoots from it's cracks. Suddenly Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell, Randall Terry, Tim LaHaye, Jimmy Swaggart, Benny Hinn, Phyllis Schlaffly and many more, along with several Catholic Bishops and Osama Bin Ladin cry out in mortal pain as their bodies are hurled into the fiery pit by unseen forces. This sends the conservative Christians into hysterics. They cry out, "Lord Jesus, why are you doing this to our leaders. Didn't they bring us to you"? Christ answers, "Did I not warn you that near the end there would be those who would come among you and pervert my teachings? That these were strangers to me and my father? Did you not hear with your own ears what blaspemy they told to you"?
With these words the conservative Christians fall into the pit as well, doomed to fry for all eternity on an enormous burning pile of sixty million copies of the "Left Behind" book series. Jesus turns to Dick Cheney and the outgoing Bush cabinet next. With a flick of his finger, they are all gone into the fire as well. The former Vice-President will spend eternity trying in vain to cash cancelled Halliburton dividend checks!
Nearby where Cheney had been seated, George W. Bush, ever alert and at the ready, begins to suspect that maybe something might be wrong. The Lord turns to him finally and says,"And you", Bush interrupts," h-h-h-hey now, Jesus, what's all this. Didn't I serve you well. D-Didn't you tell me twenty years ago that you were calling me to be President"?
With a look of pure pity on his face, Jesus answers," No George. I bore you into one of the wealthiest and most powerful families in all creation. This good fortune you squandered for forty years on every last wordly desire you could find. When you were called to a war that you said you supported, you used your family to keep you safe from the fighting. The man who went in your place has been with my father and I for many years now. Then, you called my name one night and asked me to cure you of drink and save your marriage. These things I willingly gave you and you turned from me again.
First you cheated millions and broke the law in order to make more wealth. Then you, again motivated by greed, condemned the property of thousands and blackmailed the people who I told you were my brothers into building a baseball stadium for you. A baseball stadium, George! Then you entered politics. You bore horrible false witness against everyone you ran against and encouraged others to do the same. You became President, the most powerful leader in this world and you used that power to enrich your friends, slaughter thousands of people who never attacked you and torture thousands more, some were completely innocent, George. Did you know that or did you know that a couple of those you put to death in Texas were innocent as well?
Bush is trembling with terror now. Jesus continues, "Now you stand before me and you ask me, "Didn't I serve you, Lord"? "No, George, that wasn't me you were serving and it wasn't me who called you to be President, either," the Lord finished as he glanced down into the fiery abyss. The reference, unfortunately, was lost on Bush. But not what happened next. Jesus showed Bush the face of every innocent Iraqi civilian, as they died horribly, bombs dropping upon them. Then he cast the ex-President into the pit with all the others where he found himself chained to a horned Karl Rove, who poked him with a pitchfork for all eternity for nicknaming him "turd-blossom".
Then Jesus began ascending once again toward Heaven. Following him were all the good people of the Earth. Some were Jewish, some Christian, some Catholic, some muslim. In fact, all faiths seemed to be among them. These people had lived their lives as Jesus had asked. The fact that they had not professed, "I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour" hadn't been so important to Christ after all. He'd just never had that big of an ego. Yes, some were good, honest Republicans and many were also good, honest Democrats and even Liberals. After all, what most Liberals had really wanted was to leave America and the world as better places than they had found them. AMEN.
OK, so now we've started looking for the perfect Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates for 2008. Well, the Democrats do have Hillary Clinton, maybe. If not, then perhaps Joe Biden? * Gulp*
What about the Republicans? We should really start calling them what they actually are, anyway. The Inquisicans. They are looking for a perfect candidate for '08 and yet they keep coming up a little short. Bill Frist looked good for a while but then he decided to support Stem Cell research. Well, that just won't do. Jeb Bush showed some promise at first but then he didn't order the Florida State Police to shoot any hospice worker or judge who showed an aversion to keeping the lifeless alive. Plus, he's a Catholic and you know how they are!
True believers like Santorum, DeLay or Brownback may look good now but DeLay may well be in prison by '08 and neither Santorum nor Brownback look really impressive enough in the long white robe, long hair and beard. So I say how about it? Let's just go all the way this time and encourage the GOP to nominate the guy they really want after all. Why not? *Jesus '08*. Heck, you don't even need a Vice-President, after all, even if the big guy should happen to kick off he doesn't tend to stay dead very long anyway, right? Just imagine if we didn't need Dick Cheney, for example? Well, it's really the other guy who's actually unnecessary, I know, but.....just think, President Jesus.
For nearly forty years a cult movement has been gripping this country in it's vice. Like any other movement, it started slowly, at first, and was roundly ridiculed. Remember those bumper stickers which read, "The Moral Majority is Neither". I do. You don't see them too much anymore. They've been replaced by stickers like this gem I saw the other day, "A real Catholic cannot be Pro-Abortion". It was affixed securely to the back of a big ugly SUV, right above a Bush/Cheney '04 sticker. Yes, they've even begun recruiting Catholics based on abortion and gay rights issues. As if it's just fine for American Catholics to support a war that Pope John Paul II publicly called immoral and unnecessary. Where was that bumper sticker I wonder? They've seduced many Jews as well. How? By using their hatred of terrorists, of course. Because, you know, Democrats love the terrorists. Oh, the times they are a changin', indeed.
Persistently, "born-again" Christian activists have been taking up positions in the GOP. At the federal, state and local levels, these activists have spent many years learning how to organize, finance and coordinate political campaigns. Staffers regularly jump back and forth between state anti-abortion organizations and their local Republican party chapters. As the number of born agains in America has swelled into the millions they too have become the majority of "foot soldier" volunteers working on Republican campaigns.
Their churches often literally become campaign headquarters. It can now safely be said that no candidate for President with an (R) after their name can win nomination from the party without their complete support. If one ever should somehow, they would be resoundingly defeated by their Democratic opponent, as Christian conservatives stayed home. Anyone remember George H. W. Bush or Bob Dole?
Four decades ago these people entered a party which was mainly interested in conservative, pro-business policies, lower taxes and smaller government. They've injected a new aspect which now completely dominates the party, as their numbers grow from within it, "moral conservatism" is it's current public label.
Moral conservatism to the "moral" conservative means two parent households only (male and female that is), Christian law, a complete lack of tolerance for any deviation from "normal" behaviour and a healthy respect for human life (at least up until birth, apparently). How conservative Christian leaders and Republican politicians have managed to mingle traditional conservatism with Christian conservatism and hold the party together for so long has been a modern marvel and perhaps the eigth man-made wonder of the world. The marriage of these two entirely opposite principles may not exactly be a gay marriage but it sure as hell ain't a straight one either.
Two words have helped greatly in this political miracle, one is Socialism, the other, Communism. You see, now that the Cold War is over, liberals had to become the new enemy. I know, I know, terrorists too but let's stick to one issue right now. Besides, terrorists are an actual enemy. Not an imagined one, like liberals, who, as we've already recognized, are also with the terrorists anyway. If you've ever wondered why all these neocon talking heads have taken to calling libs or dems "communists" over the last ten years, now you know. Because it works really well. It keeps traditional conservatives all whipped up and it gives Christian conservatives nightmares about Godlessness. The fact that we have recently seen so many elected Republicans calling Democrats "Godless" is simply a panicked reaction to their dwindling poll numbers. It's a preview for 2006. Believe me, the 2006 House and Senate races will be all about God, Jesus and the bible, at least on the Republican side. They have absolutely nothing else left to run on.
So why not simply run Jesus as a candidate? I understand that he's not physically available right now, you know, right hand of the father and all that, but these radical conservative christian zealots believe that he's coming back very soon. Why not by the Summer of '08? It's worth a shot, no?
I have some bad news for every Republican I've met here in New Jersey (as in, civilization) who has told me, with great certainty (and some arrogance), that their 2008 Presidential nominee will be either:
That "moderate" Senator from Arizona, you know him South Carolina, who is certifiably insane, went over to the enemy after 6 years in prison camp, has a drug addict wife and an illegitimate black child.
or
The Governor of Massachussetts (they hated the Senator, you know) whose religion is considered blaspemy by the zealots.
or
The Governor of New York who is Pro-Choice on abortion.
or
The former Mayor of New York City who is ethnically Italian, Catholic, also Pro-Choice on abortion and had his mistress share his wife's bed while she was out of town.
I think not, rational Repubs (the few, the proud). No, instead, your party's nominee will likely be someone from below the old mason-dixon line, who looks like Jimmy Swaggart and sounds a lot like Cooter from the old "Dukes of Hazzard" TV series. Am I the only one that's sick to death of listening to Presidents drawl at me? (yes, even him too)
Wouldn't Jesus be a better pick? Come on, let's imagine for a minute:
**** WARNING **** Any humor remaining in this column may require actual familiarity with the Bible's New Testament **** (this will leave out most conservatives)
It's January 20, 2009. President Jesus stands at the Inaugural podium. He's just been sworn in by the US Supreme Court's new Chief Justice, Randall Terry. In November he defeated Hillary Clinton by the greatest landslide in American history. In fact, Clinton received only a single vote nationwide, her own. Yep, even Bill voted for the other guy. How could you vote against Jesus? What, an effective negative ad campaign did him in? I don't think so.
Christ looks down as the new First Lady, Mary Magdalene ( YES platonically, relax!), stoops to annoint his feet with tears. Near him is the new Ambassador to the United Nations, Paul (you know, Saul). He has John Bolton in a rather nasty headlock. Next to Paul (Saul) is the new Secretary of Defense, a lone white dove, flapping it's wings as it begins to ascend skyward.
Jesus approaches the microphone as the crowd hushes in anticipation, "All that I ask of you, America," the saviour begins, "Is that you follow the example I left you by my apostles, my teaching and my love." As the Lord further explains what this means, the conservatives seated right up front begin looking around in confusion. They realize, with great shock and horror, that God's only son is telling them to sell all of their wordly possessions and give their wealth to Simon Peter, Secretary of Re-Distribution, a new cabinet level post created by Jesus, who will apportion it to all the desperately needy of the world.
Now the conservatives begin to recognize the predicament of John Bolton. "Why would Paul treat one of the true faithful in such a way," they ask? At this, the earth begins to open and fire shoots from it's cracks. Suddenly Pat Robertson, Jerry Fallwell, Randall Terry, Tim LaHaye, Jimmy Swaggart, Benny Hinn, Phyllis Schlaffly and many more, along with several Catholic Bishops and Osama Bin Ladin cry out in mortal pain as their bodies are hurled into the fiery pit by unseen forces. This sends the conservative Christians into hysterics. They cry out, "Lord Jesus, why are you doing this to our leaders. Didn't they bring us to you"? Christ answers, "Did I not warn you that near the end there would be those who would come among you and pervert my teachings? That these were strangers to me and my father? Did you not hear with your own ears what blaspemy they told to you"?
With these words the conservative Christians fall into the pit as well, doomed to fry for all eternity on an enormous burning pile of sixty million copies of the "Left Behind" book series. Jesus turns to Dick Cheney and the outgoing Bush cabinet next. With a flick of his finger, they are all gone into the fire as well. The former Vice-President will spend eternity trying in vain to cash cancelled Halliburton dividend checks!
Nearby where Cheney had been seated, George W. Bush, ever alert and at the ready, begins to suspect that maybe something might be wrong. The Lord turns to him finally and says,"And you", Bush interrupts," h-h-h-hey now, Jesus, what's all this. Didn't I serve you well. D-Didn't you tell me twenty years ago that you were calling me to be President"?
With a look of pure pity on his face, Jesus answers," No George. I bore you into one of the wealthiest and most powerful families in all creation. This good fortune you squandered for forty years on every last wordly desire you could find. When you were called to a war that you said you supported, you used your family to keep you safe from the fighting. The man who went in your place has been with my father and I for many years now. Then, you called my name one night and asked me to cure you of drink and save your marriage. These things I willingly gave you and you turned from me again.
First you cheated millions and broke the law in order to make more wealth. Then you, again motivated by greed, condemned the property of thousands and blackmailed the people who I told you were my brothers into building a baseball stadium for you. A baseball stadium, George! Then you entered politics. You bore horrible false witness against everyone you ran against and encouraged others to do the same. You became President, the most powerful leader in this world and you used that power to enrich your friends, slaughter thousands of people who never attacked you and torture thousands more, some were completely innocent, George. Did you know that or did you know that a couple of those you put to death in Texas were innocent as well?
Bush is trembling with terror now. Jesus continues, "Now you stand before me and you ask me, "Didn't I serve you, Lord"? "No, George, that wasn't me you were serving and it wasn't me who called you to be President, either," the Lord finished as he glanced down into the fiery abyss. The reference, unfortunately, was lost on Bush. But not what happened next. Jesus showed Bush the face of every innocent Iraqi civilian, as they died horribly, bombs dropping upon them. Then he cast the ex-President into the pit with all the others where he found himself chained to a horned Karl Rove, who poked him with a pitchfork for all eternity for nicknaming him "turd-blossom".
Then Jesus began ascending once again toward Heaven. Following him were all the good people of the Earth. Some were Jewish, some Christian, some Catholic, some muslim. In fact, all faiths seemed to be among them. These people had lived their lives as Jesus had asked. The fact that they had not professed, "I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour" hadn't been so important to Christ after all. He'd just never had that big of an ego. Yes, some were good, honest Republicans and many were also good, honest Democrats and even Liberals. After all, what most Liberals had really wanted was to leave America and the world as better places than they had found them. AMEN.
posted by Paul_NJ | 10:38 AM
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